The revenge wake-up list
aka: An incomplete list of ways I will wake a teenaged Mateo at unfathomably cruel hours of the morning
- Alternate between yelling “MAAAAAAAAA-TAAYYY-OOOOHHHH”, “Hunger!” or, everyone’s favourite: “Poopoo!”
- Grabbing a fistful of his hair and smushing my face into it. This method is best done if I have a cold. Or hay fever. Any condition that causes me to have a runny nose, really.
- Smushing his face. Sometimes with my hands. Sometimes with my butt.
- Pushing the blanket off his feet and yelling “FOOOOSE!” (the German word for feet) and attempt to waterski by holding his big toes.
- Stand at the end of his bed and flop on top of him.
- Crawl under the blankets and put my head on his pillow. Then yell “COSY” into his face.
- Crawl under the blankets and put my head on his pillow. Then slowly, but aggressively, wiggle over until his head is off the pillow and he is forced to lie very still on his side otherwise he will fall off the bed.
- Coming into his room and grabbing all his things off the night stand (glasses, accessories, pony tail holder, etc.) and give them to him and say “MATEO!”
- Wake up at 5 a.m. singing. Applaud myself and say “Bravo” after every “song”. Mateo gets up with me and takes me into the living room for fear of waking up Josh. Followed up by watching the Gruffalo three times. Scream in agony if Mateo suggests alternate programming.
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